Wednesday, August 29, 2007

The Bad Choices of My Youth

So, I am signed up over at Funny thing is I won't attend any of my reunions, but I am still signed up. Mostly because there are other people, older or younger than me, that I enjoy finding out how they are doing. So they have this guestbook feature. I have had a few people sign my guessbook and I get an alert. I log in and see who it is and then I enjoy a little reminiscing and laughing, read their profile and I am done with it or maybe I will shoot them a quick little email sharing a funny memory or something.

So first, I should tell you that I dated a LOT in high school. I was pretty immature and didn't exactly comprehend relationships also I had a short attention span as did most high school boys so between me and them, my average boyfriend/girlfriend thing lasted a week or two.

So, today I get a notice that some new people have signed my guestbook. I logged in and checked to see who it was. One was a lady that I had been good friends with, and she is already on my myspace friends list. The other was a guy. I looked at his name then scanned down the list of other people that had signed my guestbook in the past. I laughed outloud, right at my desk. Today I got my very first guestbook signature from a guy that I did NOT go out with! So, after I shared that with everyone in my office, (remember, I have no filter) I went back to the computer and read his profile to see what he had been up to since high school.

Now, before I say more about Mr. No Date With Me, let me give you an example of the profiles of Mr. Date With Me: unemployed/underemployed; substance abuse issues; gay; deceased; and the very best one is a gentleman that I dated for about 1 week total in high school. You should also know that I am now a social worker and deal with many community agencies. Well, this particular gentleman gets off his meds from time to time and has announced to sheriff's departments, local police, coworkers and bosses from my previous job, and an entire treatment team at the State Hospital, that we used to date. If he is way off his meds, it expands to us having been engaged and me breaking his heart. But he asks for me all the time. Oh yeah, and sometimes he thinks he is the Messiah. So I missed out on being married to Jesus.

So, as you can see, I dated well back in the day! So, back to Mr. No Date With Me. Well, NDWM went straight to college after high school at the local university. He then worked for a few years, moved a bit, and received his MBA at Duke University.

Let's break this down shall we:
A future of multiple state hospitalizations- let me at em!
A future successful hard working guy- I'll pass!

Pro's and Con's

"There was a little girl who had a little curl Right in the middle of her forehead. When she was good, she was very, very good. But when she was bad........ She got a fur coat, jewels, a waterfront condo, and a sports car. "

If I gave birth to you, do not read this post!

Okay, so the other day at work we were talking about different jobs. We joked around about being a mistress and then we talked about some of the pro's and con's of being a mistress. I thought it would make a good post, and being all obsessive like I can be, I started to do a whole parody page of the department of labor's job outlook information page. You know, they put a lot of stuff on there, and when it comes right down to it... well, I'm a bit lazy. So, you will have to stick with my pro's and con's.

SEX- (the sneaky dirty kind)
The boob job you always wanted... PAID FOR
unlimited funding for pampering (hello manicures, pedicures, massages, facials)
am amazing lingerie collection
no pesky in-laws
rent free living
lots of gifts

no medical/dental plan
no 401K plan
no sick days
no business card (seriously, what do you tell people you do for a living)
and on that note....
take your daughter to work day, ummm, not gonna happen

I'd love to hear other people's input on this. Funny, as I read it over it doesn't come off as silly as it was when we were saying stuff about it. But, I promised it, so here it is. I may delete it soon unless it gets jazzed up with some funny comments.

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Monday, August 27, 2007

In sickness and in health

I was sick all weekend. One thing that becomes very obvious to me, when I am sick, is that my husband and I have different sick styles.

Me: At the first sign of sickness, my preference is to climb into bed and sleep. When I wake up, I get a drink, assess how I am feeling, and if I still feel sick it is right back to bed. If allowed, I repeat this pattern until I wake up and say, "wow, I feel good again" See, that is it. Continuous sleep and fluids.

Hubby: At the first sign of sickness, he announces that he is not feeling well. He proceeds to take different medications, complain about different medications, and go about his day as usual only quite a bit crankier. At bedtime, he wakes me up off and on all night, getting up and down, trying different stuff, getting the heating pad, etc... But his schedule does not change.

I used to think that my method was the best. That I would get better faster, but honestly it takes about the same time either way. The only difference is that I get to enjoy sweet sweet sleep, AND I am (theoretically) not an annoyance to anyone around me. Seriously, how can sleeping be annoying? Well, I think that I drive my husband insane. He is super sweet for about 24 hours. After that, his patience gives out. He typically picks day two of sickness to take on some big cleaning project around the house. I try to ignore him and not participate, but there he is, bustling around and getting the kids involved and I feel guilty. If there is nothing to do around the house, then it is the yard, or errands, busy work. Doesn't he know that I just want to sleep? Honestly though, I do have to admit here that I am sick more often than he is. I catch EVERYTHING.

Another thing I learned was that you should never take a medication that claims to work for 24 hours. Wanna know why? Cause you can't take anything else when the medication sucks. And believe me, this medication sucked. I finally gave in and took something else after about 15 hours and prayed that I wouldn't die from some fatal reaction. The good news is that I didn't die! The bad news is I still feel like crap even after a weekend of lazing around and doing not much of anything.

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

The Countdown has begun

People that know me, know that I become more obnoxious than usual this time of year.
blog reader: why?
me: I am so glad you cared enough to ask.

Yesterday began the official Birthday Countdown. The countdown begins exactly one month prior to my birthday. This year, I plan to be even more obnoxious about it because it is the big 3-0. All right damnit, it is the big 4-0!

I have always felt the need to announce my birthday. I remember waking up on my third birthday, going outside, and interrupting my dad mowing the lawn to inform him that it was my birthday and I was three. Sure I could quietly wait for everyone to acknowledge the day on their own and test the one's that love me. But I am practical and I have learned over time that people screw up and forget and I have enough pity parties on my own without adding forgotten birthdays to my list. Also, I have learned that I can not stop the aging process, so I embrace it with the eager optimism of that little three year old girl. I am not normally accustomed to being spoiled or pampered but birthday time is all about me. I hound everyone for gifts and acknowledment of my big day. Fortunately, I have cheap tastes and prefer my gifts be in the following form:

1. homemade- Nothing says, "you mean a LOT to me" more than something that you made for me. (cards, posters, crafts, whatever)
2. companionship- birthday lunches, dinners, or drinks (the scheduling begins the weekend before my birthday and goes through the weekend following my birthday)
3. cards and e-cards- I personally have an allergy to the post office, so I also accept internet cards since I am personally incapable of mailing anyone else cards.
4. phone calls or text messages with the birthday song on the big day
5. store bought gifts- These must be cheap, like stuff from the dollar store.

The only exception is if I am married to you in which case you better bring your A game when it comes to the birthday gifting cause everyone else is giving me crap! (just kidding about the crap comment)

With that said, there are some barriers to this years birthday extravaganza:
1. I will be out of town the weekend before my birthday (my friend Kendra is throwing me a big party in Lubbock! Everyone will be all dressed up, there will be cake and music and all of her friends and family. Oh yeah, and she is getting married... but whatever, I know it is all about my birthday)
2. I will be out of town during the birthday week for a conference in Amarillo. That's right, I will be waking up on my birthday morning in Amarillo, Texas! So the kids making me breakfast in bed will have to be rescheduled. The up-side of me being out of town will be that it would make it SO much easier for someone to plan a surprise party for me cause 40... is kinda a big deal. (just sayin)

side note: If you attended my last surprise party several years ago and are thinking... what a selfish witch, I can't believe she wants another surprise party. That one didn't count cause the hubby kind of blew that one and then since he blew it, I got stuck helping clean and get everything set up for it. I just pretended to be surprised so that you guys wouldn't be disappointed. So see, I totally deserve a do-over. Just please don't put him in charge again, he can't keep a secret for shit!

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Trip Recap

Better late than never right? Yeah I suck, whatever.

So, first off, we are riding along the "back way" (ugh) when the driver announces that he would like to take a detour to show us this amazing property he spotted once on a trip through the area. I, of course, begin preparing for the impending seizure. I mean, what the hell is there to see, honestly? Well, we drove for a while and he pulls over so that we can spot this:

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Take a minute and absorb this.......
You can look at it more here

Seriously, this place is in the middle of nowhwere. I know that people say that Texas has a little bit of everything but castles? Holy crap!

We get back on the road and stop for dinner at this little mexican place and this is the point that I cursed myself for not being one of those women that carries a huge purse. Why? I'll tell ya. I am waiting to use the restroom and there is a shelf of supplies right there, out of sight of everyone. The supply I was coveting was TEQUILA. Right there for the taking. Okay, I would have probably been too chicken to take it, but I could have easily slipped a whole bottle into my bag, finished my meal, and left free and clear. They seriously need to move their Tequila shelf. Anyway, while we are eating, I am looking (bored to tears) out the window of the restaurant upon a lake and I see a sign, by this large tree. I am kicking myself for not taking a picture, but it was acknowledging that this particular tree has the esteemed honor of being, "The Second Largest Elm Tree in Blanco County". Second largest? All I can say is WOW! I have tried to find some information on this location so that you can all plan your next vacation around this amazing tourist attraction, but sadly, the internet does not seem to find this sight as amazing as the locals do. But, if you are ever in Blanco County, Texas grab a bite (and a bottle of Tequila) at Oso's and then take a walk back and absorb the awesomeness that is The. Second. Largest. Tree. in. Blanco. County.

At 11:30 that night, we arrived here:
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Now remember, that this is a 5 hour drive. We left at 1:30pm and it is now 11:30 at night. I was very happy to crash and the hotel was happy to provide me with an amazing place to crash.
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(photos were completely lifted from the hotels website)

The conference started at 10am the next day so I am thinking I am going to catch up on some rest. I thought wrong. When I got to my room, my boss calls and says, breakfast in the lobby at 8am. SHIT

I will spare you the details of the conference even though I was not spared. But I do have to highlight my incredible stupidity. The next night, a large group of us all goes out to eat at a restaurant on the Riverwalk. A beautiful place, but a high crime area as well. We have a nice dinner, a few drinks, and we leave the place to go back to our hotel. Well, I am a smoker (shut it!) and I decide that an after dinner smoke would be wonderful. I am also an incredibly considerate smoker so I let everyone else file ahead of me and decide to walk way behind everyone else to have my cigarette. This way I won't disturb everyone with my poisonous fumes. Thats right, my dumb ass decides it is a wonderful idea to walk far behind a group of people all by myself in a high crime area. I may as well have held large sums of cash in my hands (as well as hiked up my skirt for a potential rape). I really should not be let out unsupervised. Luckily for me, a kindly IRS agent with the group looked back and saw me and drew me back into the group. I'm sure that he just wanted to make sure that my goverment was the only one that robbed me.

So folks, that was San Antonio. Lame and boring, I know, but thats how I roll these days.

On a hopeful note, I am working on a post about the pro's and con's of the profession of being a Mistress. (Not for me, cause I am married, just a discussion we were having) It will be coming soon.

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Wednesday, August 08, 2007

Highway to Hell

No this post is not about the AC/DC song.

As I write this I am riding on my way to a conference in San Antonio. I am not driving so I had no input on the route. Here in Texas there are two schools of thought when it comes to taking a trip
1. Hit the interstate, hit the accelerator, and hit cruise control til you hit traffic. Muddle thru the traffic then go back to step 1. There are a few traffic spots, DFW, Austin, etc... but otherwise it is wide open spaces.

2. Taking the back way. This involves getting on a two lane road, no big traffic jams, and "scenic" landscape.

This is a great topic of debate among people who are travelling. People are very stubborn about their way being the quickest way to go. Of course option 1 is the correct way to go and guess which way we are going? I will give you a hint, it is not option 1. So we are cruising down the road, stopping at every speck on the map and driving for long periods of time behind farm trucks and the elderly. I am an impatient traveller and so I may very well suffer an aneurism on the way there. All I can say is God Bless the Internet for helping me to maintain my sanity.

I do have to admit that things are going more smoothly than I expected. Apparently, people seem to pull over and get out of your way when the plates on the vehicle you are riding in say JUDGE. It doesnt say which county so I think people are afraid it is a local judge.

Oh yeah and I am travelling with a judge so there is just "stiff" conversation. (inside joke to my readers who know the judges name)

Thanks for letting me rant you guys. I will reward you with photos from colorful San Antonio later this week. I don't know how well I will be able to do it on my Palm, but if I cant I will post pictures this weekend.

Show me some love in the comments cause I could really use the distraction. I know you've been reading so just speak up and say hi!


Saturday, August 04, 2007

Wedding Karaoke

Okay, so one of my friends has a wedding come up and she just found out that the sound system at her reception site is not going to be available. I came up with a solution for her, I offered to let her use my karaoke set up. I presented to her my:


Let it marinate!
1. Instead of having to dance together, you guys could sing some love duet for the audience

2. What would be funnier than all the groomsmen singing the Waitresses hit "I know what boys like"

3. Your father singing "Superfreak" while looking right at your mom! (doesn't get much better than that)

4. You can sing "Wind Beneath My Wings" to me. (you know, as a thank you for the awesome wedding karaoke idea)

5. Excellent fun to rewatch on the video and some amazing blackmail footage

Her response: "I love that you're completely insane"

Thats a yes right?

I'm in the number 1 spot!

First I must admit, I am a myspacer. I started because my oldest daughter encouraged me to do it and we leave eachother goofy and random messages on there. It is a fun way to stay in touch. Over time, two of my other children have created myspace pages and my husband joined on board. Nearly a year ago I deleted my profile and then a few days later I created a new one. My husband never put me on his top 8. There was a silly profile that I made up that was a fictional character and he had that in his number one. He claimed it counted, I claimed it didn't since noone else knew that it was me. Immediately after this character in the number two spot was his high school girlfriend. They have maintained a friendship over the years and we have had some discussions regarding this friendship. I have conceded but it has been a major sore spot for me that she is before the real me on his myspace page. (yes, I know that I have the emotional maturity of a young teenage girl... its part of my charm) I avoid his myspace page a lot because everytime I go there, there she is UGH! So last night, I was home from my night out, surfing the net on my crackberry and I went to his page. Guess who is in the number 1 spot? If you guessed me, you win. Guess who isn't number 2,3, or 4? The friend! We have, me, my youngest daughter, my oldest daughter, and my character page. Its only taken almost a year, but I finally got bumped up on the list. I went in and interrupted his video game and gave him a big hug.

I don't want to jinx anything y'all but, I think he is starting to like me a little bit. (Keep your fingers crossed)

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Hitting the town

Yeah, thats right, I went out. There was a girls night at one of the local bars and there were NO BOYS ALLOWED! Woo Hoo! (Of course there were a couple of guys cause you know some people just can't follow the rules)

There were about tweleve or thirteen of us tossing back some beer and laughing about our boobs, former co-workers, and bad 80's movies. A discussion of the kind of guys we would sleep with versus the kind of guys that would sleep with us. Which we all agreed keeps us firmly monogamous. I have high standards people. Shut up, I do!

One friend is solidly in her mommy stage currently. She pulled up a chair by me and talked about how she was here, but she really just wanted to be home making some brownies and going to the park. Here I had been dying for a girls night out forEVER and she was wanting to cut hers short.

The greatest part of the evening was calling my husband from the bar asking if the house was okay for us all to come over and sing karaoke and play pool. I am usually the recipient of these drunken calls and it was no less than glorious to be the one making the call.

The only downside of the evening was that I had to cut the night short because my husbands car had a flat tire and there wasn't anything in the house for dinner. But it was nice to have ended it on a slightly buzzed note instead of dragging the night out too long and being hung over today.