Thursday, November 29, 2007

Wound a little too tight

(My apologies to those of you who may have read this from me already...feel free to skip it)

The other day I picked up a little free weekly paper that is available all over my community. This woman writes an article about children once a month and her article this month was about creating family traditions. I nearly had an aneurism. (Well, not literally, but almost) Her advice was:

               “The best way to start a tradition is to sit down with your spouse
                 and children and decide on a family tradition that works for everyone.
                 Make sure that everyone participates in the decision and remember
                 that the tradition doesn’t have to be elaborate, but it should be
                 something that everyone is excited about participating in.”

I can’t imagine a better way to beat the fun out of something than to have a scheduled family meeting where you debate and determine what the family tradition will be. I envision that the decision will be made to form a family workgroup and they will come back with charts listing the pro’s and con’s and a timeline for implementation of said tradition.

Imagine if you will that poor little Timmy would like to have the family join him outside for a snowball fight. So he asks dear father to come play. Dad grabs his coat and gloves and is on the way out the door when Mom asks where they are going. She hears of this snowball fight and decides that this is just the sort of family tradition that she might like her family to enjoy as an annual event. But wait, they can’t go outside yet. They must all sit down at the table and go over how this annual snowball fight tradition will play out. Will there be matching outfits? Will there be a temperature limit? Will there be rules about the size of the snowball? What if it goes a whole winter without snowing? Will there be a substitute activity? Should they schedule a photographer to come capture the moment for the annual Christmas card mailout? What if there are guests at the house? If there are children should a permission slip of some sort be signed? Medical releases? Timmy looks out the window and sees the neighbors outside pelting eachother with snowballs while his dad calls an attorney friend to check on liability issues with snowball related injuries to guests and his mom checks their favorite photographer’s website to see when they can schedule this fun family tradition.

There are times that I see these perfect families and I am so envious and wish my
family had it all together like theirs. But then I get a glimpse into their existence like in this article and I am proud of every disheveled moment in our lives.

Now, if you will excuse me I need to see what my kids have destroyed
while I wrote this.

(they are being WAY too quiet)

Tuesday, November 20, 2007


I am looking for a new one. Any suggestions?

(Bring the humor people)

Saturday, November 03, 2007

Feeling Like a Kid Again

Thursday night I spent the night at my parents house. We were leaving my mom's house at 6AM Friday morning and I live about 15-20 minutes from my parents. Staying at mom's meant 15-20 more minutes of sleep for me and I lurve me some sleep! You have to be careful staying with your parents. There is a dangerous transformation that occurs. Let me illustrate for you:
FIRST- Mom was whippin' up some dinner (note-food that I don't have to prepare or pay for) while I just sat at the table and tried to read the little weekly paper. My new "sibling" (their damn dog...okay, yes I gave them the dog shut up!) would not leave me alone. She was jumping and pawing all over me and if I tried to pet her she would bite my fingers. I was super excited when mom finally put the little stinker in her crate. I think I have a glimpse of how my big brother must have felt.

SECOND: After dinner Dad was heading off for a quick run to the store.
DAD-Do you want anything from the store?
ME- Umm, let me think (cue me being excited running thru my mental rolodex of favorite snack items or mayhaps a magazine?!?! Followed by a snap back to reality and the realization that I don't "need" anything)
ME- No thanks, I'm good
DAD- You sure honey?
ME- Yeah, I'm sure thanks

THIRD- Bedtime is approaching and Mom asks what time I need to get up. I let her know that I have already set my alarm but she asks again. Never mind the fact that I get myself and my kids up every morning, make breakfasts, pack lunches, and get everyone off in time. Nope, I am still their kid and need to be awakened or I will be late. When I did wake up, I was in the bathroom getting ready and I heard my mom open the bedroom door to make sure I was up.

My dad cooked me some breakfast while I was getting ready. It was great and I found myself wanting him to sign a permission slip and pack me a lunch for school.

That's when I realized I really needed to get out of there before I lost my grip on the remaining threads of my maturity.

Note to my readers- Please foorgive any ridiculously obvious typos. I typed the whole post on my phone

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Friday, November 02, 2007

Under the Wire

So it is 11:45 at night and I am trying to type quickly to make the deadline for a post today. I have been in a car or a coliseum all day today and just got settled in my hotel room. Topics I hope to cover in the next few days:
1. Feeling like a kid again
2. My mom is a saint/amazing
3. People that piss me off
4. Death and love affair with the IRS

Lots to look forward to in the next few days. I am going to get some sleep now.


(and yeah me for not missing day 2)


Thursday, November 01, 2007

I might be back

Okay, I have been a big slacker and I will confess my sins in another post later. But for now, I will let you know that I have signed up for NaBloPoMo so if I am not a total loser you will be hearing a lot from me this month.

Quantity is better than quality right? (Or is it the other way around? I always get that confused)

Anyway, check back in cause I'll be here.

Sunday, October 21, 2007

Shhh Don't say it

Okay folks, on August 21st I ran out of cigarettes.  I haven't bought any at the store yet and it has been two months now.  Do not congratulate me for "quitting smoking" because if I were to decide to quit smoking than I would be overwhelmed by the urge to smoke.   I know this is true about myself.  If I decide to go on a diet, I become obsessed with food.  If I announce that I am going to start exercising or, heaven forbid, actually start exercising I end up with a chest cold that is dangerously close to pneumonia.  Am I the only one whose body is unreasonably cruel?  How do you overcome self-sabotage?

Sunday, September 09, 2007

Parenting Challenges

Sure, I could talk about discipline, boundaries, conflict, or any number of serious parenting issues. But, this isn't really so much of a mommy blog. (see previous post if you need to clarify that)

Last Friday I encountered one of my most common challenges as a parent: Not laughing out loud at my children. Let me clarify, I just said AT my children, not with.

See, on Friday my 13 year old daughter had her first mall adventure with her peers. Meaning, I let her go to the local mall with a few other girls for about two hours after school. I made her call me as soon as she got to the mall. I lectured her about the proper protocol for distancing herself from her friends in case one of them was a shoplifting juvenile delinquent. About an hour later, I get this call and my daughter is in mid-conversation with an adult saying, "I don't know ma'am do you want to ask my mom, she probably knows"

At this point my phone goes dead. I am imagining all the hijinks that may have occured. I can hear panic in my child's voice as I picture her sitting in the security office at the mall being quizzed by a mall nazi. I immediately call her back. Apparently, my daughter had an accident on the escalator and was filling out a report for the store. She assured me that she was okay, just a little shaken up. Now, here is where the parenting challenge begins.

If I have an accident on the escalator, I will attempt to minimize any possible attention that may be paid to me. I would even deny needed medical attention to try to get the attention off of myself.

STORE EMPLOYEE: "What do you mean you don't need an ambulance?
Your arm has been severed!"

ME: "I'm fine, really. It's my left arm and I am right
handed. I"ll just put some ice on it when I get home"

STORE EMPLOYEE: "It is spurting out blood!"

ME: "I'll just grab some papertowels from the ladies room" (said while frantically dashing away from the scene)

Now I give you my daughter's response as soon as she falls:

(notice how it is in all caps? That is because she did yell it, at the top of her lungs no less)

She was just fine, of course, except for a wicked escalator rash on her back. So, I hang up the phone and am repeating the story in my office and we are all dying laughing. I mean tears streaming, imagining her screaming like someone was holding a gun to her head and I am trying to get it out of my system before I have to see her and attend to her like a mom is supposed to. Which I did, effectively and with a compassion that would have made June Cleaver envious. But then my older daughter calls. (okay, I sent her a picture of her sister's back) I assure her that her baby sister is fine and then relay the incident with tact and caring. (the victim is only a few feet away from me on the computer at the time) Big sis is the picture of compassion until she asks, "Oh my, what did she do?"

I whisper, "she screamed, OH HELP ME, OH GOD, SOMEONE SAVE ME" and suddenly on the other end of the phone is the same hysterical laughter I experienced earlier. Only this time, I. must. not. laugh! All I can do is casually say, "I know, that is exactly what I thought and other conversationally appropriate remarks so that the victim doesn't know.

Parenting is so hard y'all!