Fear Of Landing

Insomnia

It happens from time to time. I lay in bed wide awake. The not sleeping isnt so bad it is the thinking that gets to me. See, I am an avoider.

I used to be quite a thinker. I would ponder all types of things all the time such as my goals, my relationships, dreams for the future, politics, and any number of other topics. I had a vivid imagination with an amazing fantasy life. It was a blessing and a curse. For me, it often set up expectations for events and relationships that did not occur as planned. The end result was that I found myself disappointed a lot when the results weren't even necessarily bad. I missed out on enjoying what was because I was busy being frustrated with what wasnt. So I just stopped doing it and became an avoider.

Not thinking requires a lot of work for a natural thinker. I immerse myself in mindless activities all day long. Any down moment is packed with nothingness until I am exhausted and I stumble off to bed and sleep til morning when it all starts over. But when I cant sleep, everything I avoid thinking about comes flooding into my mind's radar. Now, lets be practical, I can do absolutely nothing about invoices and marketing plans at midnight in my bed. I cant have in depth conversations with people. I just lay there thinking about these things while tossing and turning and fleeing further and further from any possibility of sleep.

So it was a late night of celebrity gossip shows and infomercials for me.

Labels: self-reflection

posted by fear.of.landing @ 7/25/2007