Fear Of Landing

That moment

Yesterday, I encountered that moment. The one where you take a stand for what you deeply believe or you cave in to pressure. And I folded like oragami. Well, not like oragami because that would have yielded something beautiful and complex. I was more like a crumpled wad of paper that is about to become a spit ball for "the man". I remember being young and idealistic, arguing about what is "right" and looking up to those that stood for it and being disdainful of those who didn't. What's worse is that the surrender of my spirit caused me about 3 hours extra of work that I had to bring home to do, so it wasn't just a quick decision and I got to be done with it. No, I got to wallow in my choice for 3 solid hours clicking away on my laptop while my family enjoyed their evening and I get to go into work a few minutes early to save the changes on my work. Because, not only did I cave, but I am too much of a coward to let an employee know that I did it. I am sure she will figure it out eventually and I will have to own it but a part of me hopes she doesn't. This is why I have always avoided being the boss, I don't want to be the person where the buck stops but I was lured into the position with the idea of more money so here I am bought and paid for. At least now I know that the next time I have to fold it will be easier because the crease lines are already ingrained in me from this time. I am thinking, as this project is heading to the printer this morning, that I hope that "the man" uses some mouthwash before he launches me as a spitwad cause I don't want to be covered in foul breath stench on top of everything else.

Labels: self-reflection, workplace

posted by fear.of.landing @ 8/04/2006